Christmas is and should be a wonderful time of the year, however, many foster children can find the changes and feelings attached to their experiences at this time extremely overwhelming. We’ve come up with some top tips on fostering at Christmas, based on questions that may worry foster children.
It’s not difficult to see why some children may struggle, especially considering most of what we see and hear in the run up to Christmas often depicts the ‘perfect’ family enjoying themselves – social media, TV, advertising etc. We’ve spoken to current and past foster carers to get into the nitty gritty of what Christmas has been like for children in their care, and important things to be aware of.
It’s not all baubles and chocolates, but we hope these handy tips might help you through if you’re already fostering or thinking about becoming a foster carer.
“What is going on, who are these people, and how come I’ve never experienced this before?”
Communication is key!
Communication, as always, is incredibly important during the holiday season. In general, children and young people often find it very difficult to articulate what they feel, especially if they’ve never been given the space to do so before.They may not even understand what they’re feeling. We’d suggest giving the below a go and would love to know how you get on…
Share your plans for the Christmas period – what to expect, who might be visiting if you’re expecting guests, show photos of guests if they’ve not met them, share photos of previous Christmases. All these things are intended to minimize surprise/anxiety during this exciting time.
Explain what Christmas is, what you usually do as a family during this time, highlight and prepare for the change in routine. The more you are able to share and explain, the easier it will be for the child(ren) to adjust. We aren’t going to pretend that everything will be peachy perfect, but it will be a big help at a time that is incredibly different to the usual routines and day-to-day life they may have become accustomed to.
“Each child is an individual, what may work for one, may not for another”. When handling challenging situations there are two main things we’d suggest you keep in mind: showing that you understand, and showing that you care. Simple phrases such as ‘I understand you’re upset’ not only highlights your empathy, but often times it can help them feel like their emotions are valid and can help start an open conversation.
Equally, be mindful in the information you share with friends and family. The foster child’s past is confidential but ensuring they’re aware of the situation and briefing the extended family before the day of the visit/party may aid in how your foster child(ren) feels.
Top Tip: it may be a good idea to plan some visits to friends and family away from your home, this way you can leave at any point if it’s a little too much for the child(ren).
“Will I be in the way of your Christmas?”
This is a great opportunity to share traditions and be open to creating new ones.
Most people have those small, big, silly, joyful traditions that they do every year at Christmas. Whether it’s attending particular events in your local town, putting the tree up on a specific date, or even those good old classic Christmas movies – we all have our individual quirks during this time. What you may not consider amongst all the excitement is that many foster children may struggle with feeling like they fit in. As you can imagine, there could be any number of reasons for this… it could be a difference in religion/culture, that they’ve not experienced a happy family environment at Christmas, or that they don’t feel they’ve integrated into your family yet etc.
It’s important to keep a ‘bigger picture’ view that what you do is probably not the same as Barry down the road, or Gwyn next door! With this in mind, we would encourage you to speak to the child in your care, see what this time is normally like for them. Do they have their own traditions? Can you include these within your home too?
After speaking to foster carers, we’ve found that some of the best ways to encourage inclusivity is to plan a few activities that everybody in the family can look forward to together. Things like putting the tree up together, allowing the foster child to select their favourite decorations and placing them where they’d like. A family advent calendar, open each door as a family, taking turns each day. These may not be material gifts, but experiences you can share together – a Christmas movie, a hot chocolate before bed, a game you can play after dinner etc.
There are websites such as https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/children/2016/the-christmasaurus-christmas-cards.html where you can download Christmasaurus cards to print and colour. You can include non-Christmas themed activities if this is more appropriate. Hobby Craft has a long list of activity ideas to spark your imagination https://www.hobbycraft.co.uk/ideas.
When you encourage your foster child to share their own experiences surrounding Christmas, you’re opening up conversations to better understand them, and to make the entire Christmas experience better for not only them, but the whole family too. Just be mindful that they may not be ready to tell you everything.
Top Tip: Personalised baubles and/or stockings are a fantastic yet simple way of making the child(ren) in your care feel part of the gang!
“What will my family do without me?”
Contact with their own family if applicable
Many children will be missing their parents, or be worrying about a family member, especially if it has been a situation where the child has been the main caregiver. It’s important to address these insecurities and there are many ways you can include the child’s birth family if this is appropriate.
*We’d always suggest speaking to your supervising social worker and the child’s social worker before putting anything into action.*
Ultimately our aim is for the child(ren) to feel like you are an extension of their family, rather than a replacement. If given the go-ahead, we suggest asking if they’d like to wrap a small thoughtful gift, or help them make Christmas cards for them to take on their contact time or to post.
“We arranged for our foster child to have a call with their birth grandmother on Christmas morning, and due to the hard work we had all put in, everyone was extremely happy and everyone felt part of a team”. It may be appropriate to arrange a video call with the birth family on Christmas morning, and can make a big difference for all parties involved. Another simple thing you could do is to provide photographs of school activities and the nativity play for the birth parents, to aid in the communication between adults.
Ideally, the child should feel like everyone is on the same team. We already know that our foster carers are a particularly caring bunch, but having a non-judgemental attitude, especially in relation to the child(ren)’s birth family, is absolutely essential in creating that team approach.
“What if I don’t like this, but I’m forced to participate anyway?”
Everyone needs a little space
In an ideal world, your foster child will be excited about Christmas and New Year, however we know this isn’t always the case. The last thing you want is for a child to feel forced into anything, it has the potential to disrupt their emotions through no fault of their own, and can affect the entire families experience.
It may be a good idea to explain to the child(ren) in your care that their bedroom (or other appropriate area in the house) is a safe space, a place where they can go if they feel a little overwhelmed, especially during the festive period. If they would like to, you could put some lights up in their room, or create a small den area for them to use as an escape to calm down or feel better (either in their bedroom or other area where it’s easier to keep an eye on them).
Respect that they need their space. Put yourself in their shoes – you’d probably get pretty frustrated if someone was badgering you and all you wanted was have a few quiet minutes! If they don’t want you to enter their safe space, and communicate this to you, respect it and let them know where you will be and that you will check in on them in ten minutes, or half an hour – but then make sure you stick to this.
Top Tip: Signalling cards could be a good and simple idea that everyone can stick to. The child is able to communicate in a simple way if they would like company or to be left alone – green for ‘yes you’re welcome’, or red for ‘I’d rather have some space’.
Finally…it may seem impossible, but make time for yourself!
Amongst all the singing, bickering, socialising and food, we’d stroonnnngly suggest trying to fit in some time for yourself. Even if it’s at the end of the day in a dressing gown and cup of tea once the kids are in bed, fitting in a hot bath every once in a while, or a half hour visit to your local coffee shop. Share the role of caring with your partner, or your parents, or anyone within your support network. You could arrange play dates with other parents you trust, to give both them and you an afternoon to spend how you wish.
Whatever you get up to this Christmas, whatever you’re faced with, encourage yourself and other carers to realise what a great job you’re doing – even if it doesn’t always feel like it!
Simply being there and caring is more than what a lot of these children have experienced before.
You’re making a huge difference. And you can provide a loving, warm home.
As ever, if you’d like to know more about coping with Christmas, or about fostering in general, we encourage you to head to the ‘contact us’ page or keep an eye out on our Facebook page.
If you live in Wales, visit the Foster Wales website where you can find all the information and contact your local authority service.
We’d like to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and a wonderful New Year.
